Got to take Papi to the Shady Acres Carnival this past weekend. We had a blast! I haven't seen him smile this much since before the accident. His toothy grin stretched across his bone white face the entire time! For some reason people were staring at us, but they must've been just jealous of me and my Papi! So glad we got to spend this time together!
Help! Our cat, Junipers, has gone missing. Can you help find her by looking in Mami's neck folds before time runs out!?
In an effort to be closer, Papi and I decided to go ahead with the body-fusing surgery. The doctors really messed up! LOL! We forgive them though, they tried their best! Now every moment is a nightmare that we can't wake up from. Regardless, it's reassuring to know that Papi and I will be part of of each other forever. LOL! Here we are pictured getting are groooooove thang on at the Yule Tide ball
Hint: He's the one in the middle wearing the striped shirt and adult diaper.
I just wanted to thank everyone who came out last Saturday to support me in the Boys Junior National Gymnastics Competition for the Criminally Insane. It was touch and go there for a moment, as I temporarily lost motor function and broke both my legs on the final vault; but the judges felt really sorry for me and reluctantly awarded me a certificate of participation. It was quite the scene as Papi hurriedly carried me towards the podium, only then to be tackled and led away by security, as the crowd booed and threw garbage at us. We did it, everyone! I overcame my disease! USA! USA!
I'm thankful for a lot of things this year, but what I'm most thankful for is that Papi has the money to buy us a delicious David Schwimmer for our Thanksgiving feast! I understand that less fortunate families are often left with nothing more than a supporting cast member from Everybody Loves Raymond for their Thanksgiving dinner. #Blessed #IllBeThereForYou#Monica
Chad S. of Santa Barbara, California asks, "Ryan, what does your morning routine look like? Don't you have chores? How do you ever find time to draw all those fabulous 'Doses'?" - Intrigued from the Golden State
Great Question, Chad! Of course I have chores just like any other man would. I like to get an early beat on the the day, lest Papi gets agitated. I put on my work-boots and head out to the barn to feed the calves. Mary needs special attention as she's unable to chew properly unless I massage her gullet. Afterwards, I'll take the calf cream and begin churning to make the butter for Papi's morning cakes! I'll collect the runoff foam, as it fetches a fine price at market. It's then that I'll return to the homestead to bake Papi's cakes! If I use even a drop of too much cream, Papi will berate me and threaten to have me live out with the livestock. He's right. I'm pathetic.
When Papi takes his morning nap, then it's finally time for me to start my 'Dose'. I hide away with my pencil and paper underneath a bail of hay in the barn - we're not allowed drawing things in the house, as Papi says they the devil's tools!
It's during these precious moments that my imagination can fly free, and soar to to fantastic new worlds! Worlds where I'M the King! And it's Papi that's baking ME the cakes.
"What you doing' in there boy!?" I can hear Papi's voice approaching the barn. "If I find you drawing..."
"I'm churning, Papi, churning!" When he enters my art supplies are properly hidden away and I'm working hard to press the cream that will make up Papi's dinner cake.
"That's ma' boy," he says as he peaks through. "You're ma' best boy."
I breath a sigh of relief, thankful that I have my Papi and dream of the fanciful wonders that await for me in tomorrow's Daily Dose.
Great Question, Chad! Of course I have chores just like any other man would. I like to get an early beat on the the day, lest Papi gets agitated. I put on my work-boots and head out to the barn to feed the calves. Mary needs special attention as she's unable to chew properly unless I massage her gullet. Afterwards, I'll take the calf cream and begin churning to make the butter for Papi's morning cakes! I'll collect the runoff foam, as it fetches a fine price at market. It's then that I'll return to the homestead to bake Papi's cakes! If I use even a drop of too much cream, Papi will berate me and threaten to have me live out with the livestock. He's right. I'm pathetic.
When Papi takes his morning nap, then it's finally time for me to start my 'Dose'. I hide away with my pencil and paper underneath a bail of hay in the barn - we're not allowed drawing things in the house, as Papi says they the devil's tools!
It's during these precious moments that my imagination can fly free, and soar to to fantastic new worlds! Worlds where I'M the King! And it's Papi that's baking ME the cakes.
"What you doing' in there boy!?" I can hear Papi's voice approaching the barn. "If I find you drawing..."
"I'm churning, Papi, churning!" When he enters my art supplies are properly hidden away and I'm working hard to press the cream that will make up Papi's dinner cake.
"That's ma' boy," he says as he peaks through. "You're ma' best boy."
I breath a sigh of relief, thankful that I have my Papi and dream of the fanciful wonders that await for me in tomorrow's Daily Dose.
Merry Christmas, everyone! We've had such a wonderful time! I was allowed to come out of the crawl space under the condition I perform the nutcracker for Mami and Papi in its entirety! I was on fire — a regular whirling dervish! Each grand jete' was a revelation! Mami and Papi barely jeered or threw peanuts at me at all, as my diseased body undulated back and forth throughout the performance. When I finally stuck the last double cabriole, they clapped their flaccid hands, mildly pleased — Papi even let me eat the remnants of his figgy pudding! Satisfied, I've now returned back to the hole, already dreaming of next year's Christmas Day!
Under no circumstances do you let that man into the house. He is not your Papi. I repeat -- HE IS NOT YOUR PAPI!!!
Hey guys, now taking orders for Mami's famous Hand-Knitted Christmas Sweaters! (Look, we know these are just neighborhood cats sewn to old dish rags, but it's important that Mami have a hobby. She just hasn't been all there since they canceled Quantum Leap. Let her have this...)
As summer winds down, I can't help but think back on all the memories Papi and I made starting our dream business venture - A Liver n' Onions truck. Children's faces would light up as we drove through their impoverished neighborhoods, bringing gravy slopped joy wherever we went. And I really think Papi has found a sense of purpose again. It's really taken his mind off the crushing dark truth of human nature! Can't wait to do it all again next year – just me and my Papi!
You guys... I'm really scared... Papi went on vacation and forgot to take me with. I'm all alone and I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do. I spilled the cottage cheese all over the floor. I tried using my shirt sleeve to wipe it? Now the cottage cheese is all over me! There's only one can of beans in the cupboard. The fork's not opening it like it's supposed to! I'm so hungry. I turned on all of the oven burners to cook the beans but that was three days ago. I'm hiding under the bed now because I keep seeing strange men outside looking through the windows. I know I'm supposed to set clever traps for them, but my shoelaces are tied together and I'm covered in cottage cheese. Oh, god help me. Papi where are you!?
THIS IS IT! Must be over 18 to vote! PLEASE CHOOSE ONE ONLY!
The season is finally upon us, as it's time to leave your leftover gravy on the back porch, in hopes that the Gravy Fairy will slurp it up in the dead of night! As a child, I would try and stay up until midnight, in hopes of catching a glimpse of the rare creature. One year, while pretending to sleep, I heard slurping and slopping just outside my bedroom window. When I peaked out, I saw a rotund man, covered in the gravy drippings, rolling around like so many of my Papi's prized sows. He slopped this way and that, making wild shrieks that pierced the silence of our neighborhood. He stared right up at me, his pupils dilated, a look of crazed fear in his eyes. It was then that I noticed, that it was in fact my Papi. I shut the window and returned to bed, pulling the covers up to my chin, the horrible sound of Papi bellowing his high pitched screech echoed into the night...
Can we just talk about the elephant in the room here, guys? Um, why did nobody show up for opening night of Papi's Flea Circus, yesterday? I sent out those Facebook invites weeks ago. Papi's been training up those little wonders day and night! The Spelterini twins couldn't even go out to perform their trapeze act, they were so depressed. PLEASE COME NEXT TIME! Papi's so itchy and he just wants to make you happy!
Not even sure what to say right now. Just opened my lunch and am seeing that Papi forgot to cut the crust off my PB & J. My breathing is heavy and fast. Eyes twitch to the side, shooting out in opposite directions, like some diseased horse pumped full of steroids. I let out several sharp animal-like shrieks, my coworkers eyes turn towards me. This is not happening to me... My head swimming, gyrating in a convulsive action, I begin tearing at the sandwich with bony hands, trying to dip out pockets of whitbread and sugary jelly. "Ha, ha, everything's going to be okay, now" I say in an inappropriately loud voice to the person sitting to my right. Wait no, that's not a person, that's a garbage can. I hurl the food into the trash bin, and scamper out of the room hungry, my tiny legs swishing back and forth struggling to hold the weight of my emaciated body.
Just wanted to thank everyone for coming to my party last night! It was so much fun seeing you guys play 'Pin the Tail on the Papi' while I watched, safely quarantined from within the bubble. Mami wanted to remind everyone that they need to thoroughly wash their hands and burn their clothes if they had any contact with me. Sorry, again, for getting agitated and screaming for everyone to leave after opening all my presents. Hope to see you all again next year!
Papi can't tell me how to dress when I leave the house... I'm a man, now!
Beauty... Grace... Lust.... These are the reasons a man must dance. Please come seem me this Thursday as I perform Taglioni's La Sylphide at the rest stop just off the Highway 29 off-ramp. Free cold sore cream for the first 20 attendees!
As a boy I never owned a bicycle. Many a weekends I would sit by our window and watch the other children fly by on their magnificent two-wheeled peddle-powered zoomsters! It was at those times I would close my eyes and imagine myself riding one through our neighborhood - the wind flowing through my hair, pushing against my diseased skin... In these fantasies my Papi would always urge that I leave my training wheels attached. "You'll crash, he would say. A sick boy like you needs training wheels." Well, Papi... As I sit here now, a highly dignified and respected 35 year old man, I'm ready to take those training wheels off... Watch me fly Papi, watch me fly like the dickens!!! *Update - After I took the training wheels off I flew wildly into traffic, critically injuring several people. Oh my God! What have I done, Papi!? What have I done!!!
Such a magical time at our home-school prom, last night. Even though I have to stay locked in the basement because of my degenerative brain disease, Mami still let me slow dance with her over Skype. Admittedly, things got a little weird when I started caressing the floppy disc drives and she abruptly ended the call.
Just wanted to take some time out today and thank my Mami for everything she does. As many of you know, I was born without the ability to chew or digest food. Because of this, every mealtime involves Mami lovingly regurgitating leftovers into my mouth and massaging my gullet, while I convulse violently in an attempt to absorb her nourishment. It's a sacred time of the day where the mother/son bond is at its strongest. Love you so much, Mami!